Curiosity
/A magical thing happens when we choose to listen intently to the content of the communication – to the words, phrases, descriptions, metaphors, similes, poetry of what someone else is saying to us. We get drawn into the narrative, we become intrigued and curious and desperate to know how the story ends. And so we naturally ask open questions to understand more and receive further and deeper information. And since the speaker picks up on our non verbal signals of acceptance, validation, witnessing, approbation, excitement and curiosity, they are inspired to tell us more; not just of what they already know of the story, but of what they can uncover in their unconscious mind; what they haven’t known or clarified up to this point.
Be aware when you want to ask a question that is really motivated because you have judged the other person or the situation, and instead go for what you are curious about. People know when they are being judged, and they defend themselves. Ask someone a question that comes from judgment, and you will get a defensive or evasive response; maybe even a lie. It won’t matter if your question is legitimate. But ask them from a place of genuine curiosity, and you will get both a truthful and a revealing answer.
“The first key to wisdom is constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting or through being curious we are led to question, and by questioning we arrive at the truth”
- Peter Abelard 1079 – 1142
I like this quote is because it tells us that curiosity is a core principle for us to base our coaching on. People who are naturally curious often make great coaches, because they ask the questions that others avoid.
We have to use curiosity when asking people why they did things or what is stopping them from acting, since we humans make our decisions sub consciously and emotionally, although we convince ourselves that we make decisions rationally. Actually what we do is having made our decision sub consciously or emotionally, we then pile in the rational justification. So if we put people under pressure in our ‘interrogation’ of their motives for action or inaction, they will surely give us their left brain answer ie their logical justification which will therefore be defensive and ultimately not the real reason. When we use curiosity, we allow the other person to feel accepted and not judged or threatened, and thus we can allow them to explore their real reasons, which will ultimately have been driven by emotions – maybe of fear, maybe of excitement, maybe of anger, maybe of elation.....
Open questions are powerful – infinitely more so than we give credit for before we start asking them in bucket loads. They work so well because they multi task for us – they work on several levels, but basically they do two jobs at once. They make the other person think, and start the process of them accepting responsibility, and they communicate so much of the position that we are taking as the coach – acceptance, confidence, belief, the fact that there is a solution, the fact that there are other options, support; the fact they are not alone.
We don’t have to be taught open questions. We may need a reminder or refresher, but we do know what they are and we do know how to use them well. I’m often asked by people how they can make this coaching skill more natural. I simply invite them to notice that coaching is actually the most natural human relationship communication skill and we’ve known it all our lives. Curiosity is the most attractive human quality, and we have absolutely no problem with this mode of listening outside of work. I think it’s really sad that we have become so scared of intimacy in our working relationships. I invite them to notice that it is our corporate behavior that is unnatural. Since all I’m really doing is re-introducing them to an old friend; a friend that has served them well in their life; a friend that facilitates their curiosity, learning and journey of discovery; but a friend they left in the entrance lobby the moment they arrived at work. Let me ask you this. At what age were you at your finest as an asker of open questions? Yes, that’s right. About 4 years old. 4 year olds ask stunning open questions, but more than that, they are then ruthless with us if we fob them off with a bullshit answer. So if we could ask open questions (without any training) when we were 4, how is it we find it so tough 30, 40 or 50 years later?!
The truth is that we’ve all but eradicated open questions from our armoury at work because fundamentally we don’t want to learn; fundamentally we want control. Even if we start to form an open question, our brain intervenes and over-rides instantly. It tells us that asking an open question will likely produce a hugely inconvenient answer, so don’t give any leeway, just close things down. The reality is that we learn more about someone’s true ability and potential by being curious and coaching them, than we ever do by giving them solutions. And when we learn about them, something truly magical happens to them. They emerge butterfly-like from the fixed judgement chrysalis we had put them in, and we see something in them that surprises and delights us.
About the Author:
Gareth Chick is a 40 year corporate veteran with a global profile. His career has included hugely successful spells as CFO, CEO and Chairman in both public and private sectors, including private equity. What makes Gareth's experience unique is that he combined those executive roles with a part time career as a leadership trainer, researching psychology, neuroscience and psychotherapy to create leadership development programmes used now by many major global corporations. In the last 15 years Gareth has trained over 5000 managers and served as Executive Coach to over 200 senior execs including FTSE100 CEOs and Fortune 500 VPs. As Founder of Collaborative Equity LLP, “promoting corporate cultures and sustainable business models of shared ownership, shared responsibility and shared rewards", Gareth acts as consultant to many global leaders, specialising in first time CEOs and Start Up founders. ↠ find out more at ceq.com
