Hold the person, not the problem...

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We often believe that to coach someone we have to set up some sort of formal coaching session.. Personally I believe in 1:1s but I don’t subscribe to overly structured coaching sessions in a normal working relationship between a person and their line manager. Rather I believe that coaching, being the now predominant  leadership style we are employing with our people, is just the way we are with people, so actually what I am looking for is to be more opportunistic, and to use moments or spaces when I am in greatest rapport with people; most connected to them; to coach them.

Being ‘in the moment’ with people requires constant self regulation. Managers tend to live in the past (the other person has failed to do what we’ve asked; or they’ve been exhibiting pre-judged behaviour) or the future (the other person needs to do something or achieve a certain objective) rather than being in the present moment with that person. We judge them (we carry their past in to the meeting) and we doubt they can do what’s really needed (we carry their future into the meeting). Understandably, the other person picks up on this and reacts accordingly (defending themselves, getting their excuses in early, and generally taking demotivation and lack of confidence away).

Leaders need to stay ‘in the moment’ with people and deal with them as they are today. Only then can we judge, as their coach, what they really need from us to achieve their objectives. We have to leave them more energised and confident, even if we’ve had to deliver some tough feedback and advice, and achieving that starts with acceptance and compassion. 

And so we get to the heart of how we actually change our behavior to have a chance of being successful in coaching others.

We must learn to ‘hold the person, not the problem.’ This sums up our issue – that in our interactions with people, we always focus on the problem at hand, and as such the other person almost gets in the way. So there we are (as their ‘coach’) using all our resources to solve the problem, and in the process communicating to them that they are actually part of the problem. We inevitably leave them feeling like bit part players in some grand performance where we are the star; feeling judged by us as being inferior – we are 100% guilty of being the brake on their energy and the barrier to them taking a radical or creative approach to solving their issue. And all of this without realising what we are doing; without realising that we as managers are perpetuating an environment whereby everything revolves around us yet blaming others for not stepping up; not showing initiative. We create the classic paradigm of the chasm between manager and subordinate – where we blame ‘them’ for not showing enough initiative, and they blame us for not allowing them to take risks or be themselves.

So how do we ‘hold the person’ – well the trick is to focus (physically through eyes and ears, and so eventually through heart) on them – concentrating on what serves them as an individual. We need to trust that everything we need to know as a coach is there before us, if only we will pay attention. We need to listen – and boy is that hard. 

And slowly, the more we practice this, the more we will enter a profoundly connected world, where we will see things in others that we had never even glimpsed before. The deeper we look, the more we will see, including the magical prize for any coach – stuff that the other person does not yet realise about themself! 

Now we can coach them, because the issue at hand is merely today’s issue. Tomorrow there will be another. Issues will come and go, but the path for the other person to grow and develop all that they have and all that they are - well, that is ongoing and never ending. And it is a beautiful experience that is the true privilege of responsibility for others.

As we practice this essential change, we will find it tough. We must constantly keep this mantra in our minds – ‘hold the person; hold the person’ and we will need to constantly repress the solutions that come up for us and seek to define our navigation of the conversation. It really is like a physical act – first noticing the solution that has come  to us, or the path that our left brain wants to take the other person down to get them where WE want them to go – and then suppressing it; physically pushing it down or forcing it out of our minds, so that we can get back to noticing and listening to the other person. I have been coaching for many years, and yet I constantly have to be aware of this pattern within me; of how easy it is for me to slip back into problem solving mode; of how hard it is for me to exorcise an idea from my brain once it’s popped in there. So take heart. Awareness is everything; don’t try and be perfect at it.

When we listen we hear so much more than when we don’t. Sounds obvious doesn’t it? But we need to realise that when we are not listening, we are relying on our pre-judgments. When we are under pressure, we are meeting a person we have already put in a box, and so they stand no chance. Just how are people supposed to get us to change those judgments we are holding? They either have to do something completely extraordinary, or rely on some external event to give us ‘no choice’ but to trust them with greater responsibility 

When we ‘hold the person, not the problem’ it’s amazing how skillful we are at interpreting body language and non verbal communication. Only then can we ‘sense’ what people are really communicating. Carl Jung said that if the conscious mind was like the skin of an orange; the outermost 1% of the fruit, the sub conscious was everything else. We think we are highly developed animals, yet we pretty much ignore and devalue the power of what is going on sub consciously. The coach however sees it all; sees the denial and self delusion that is actually guiding the motivation of the other person.

And as we start to appreciate this skill, this fundamental change of our approach as a leader of people, we enter the truly magical world of the virtuous circle – where we can enjoy the most fantastic results and the most rewarding relationships. And we can absorb into our leadership DNA the MOST fundamental change we need to make if we are to become genuine coaches – that we should exercise all our creative energy on the subject of what we need to do to assist the other person improve their own performance.

About the Author

Gareth Chick is a 40 year corporate veteran with a global profile. His career has included hugely successful spells as CFO, CEO and Chairman in both public and private sectors, including private equity. What makes Gareth's experience unique is that he combined those executive roles with a part time career as a leadership trainer, researching psychology, neuroscience and psychotherapy to create leadership development programmes used now by many major global corporations. In the last 15 years Gareth has trained over 5000 managers and served as Executive Coach to over 200 senior execs including FTSE100 CEOs and Fortune 500 VPs. As Founder of Collaborative Equity LLP, “promoting corporate cultures and sustainable business models of shared ownership, shared responsibility and shared rewards", Gareth acts as consultant to many global leaders, specialising in first time CEOs and Start Up founders. ↠ find out more at ceq.com